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Tuesday, September 1st, 2009
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Well it has been a long time since I have updated this page. My life is pretty amazing right now. I went on a really bad run last year after my last post. I had alot of issues I was not willing to deal with. However, Things have evened out and I am doing alot better. Some how along the way I have met the most amazing boy in the world. I guess anyone that can love me at my worst would have to be considered amazing. I have done alot of soul searching, and I think right now I am on the right path. I have a few amazing friends right now. I am trying hard to just focus on the day and not on the future. I am going to finish dealing with some of the "concequences" I have going on, and then I am getting the heck out of Orange County. I need mountains and freedom, and not the chaos that I always seem to find here. I always seem to do really well for a while, and then lose it completly. So this time..I just want to hang on for as long as I can. taking it by the day seems alot easier then thinking about forever. xoxo
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, November 1st, 2008
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ouch.
sorry to everyone.
especially my sister.
xo
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Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
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I have a new sense of gratitude at the moment. I have spent too much time over the last year or so trying to please people, hold myself together, and to stay strong. I have tried to give off the impression that I can handle everything both good and bad, and just keep going like a good strong girl would.I have kept a smile on my face for show. I allowed myself to be treated in ways that crossed my boundries by far and as a result I ended up with much weaker boundries.I haven't let myself feel the things I needed to feel long enough to process them, understand them, and then work through them. Feelings are dangerous. If I ignore them long enough they don't leave, I just forget they are there. I can't run from my feelings anymore and I can't be someone I am not. I can't keep letting myself down and I can't keep letting go of goals and what I want in my life. I don't really have that many friends..but the few friends that I do have are amazing and more then I could ask for. I don't really have many people that I think know who I am inside and out. Over the past few weeks a few people in my life have stepped up above and beyond what I could ever expect to deserve or ask for. I hope the few friends I am talking about know who they are and how much they impact my life and encourage me to be a better person. They haven't told me what to do, how to do it, or anything near that. They have talked to me, told me they loved me, hugged me, and offered their time to me. Change is always hard. I know I am stubborn and hard headed. I know that I am my worst critic. I allow others to treat me badly. In most situations, I will defend the one treating me badly and find fault in myself any ways I can. I want back the girl that stood up for her self. I know who I am. I know at times I am not so nice to myself and I tend to act out of impulse or act out of anger. My mom and I were talking a few days ago, and she mentioned that I feel my feelings so strongly. If I feel happy then I am happy x 100, if I am sad then I am sad x 100, what I feel i REALLY feel...if I believe in something or someone...then i will defend it, protect it, fight like hell for it, and I can't give up. I guess that is a good and bad thing? I understand it is hard to handle. I understand that 99% of the time I am really hard to handle. However, the last few days, I have felt more like myself. I feel like I should be at a point in life where change should come easy, I figured by this age there would be a solid future and NO CHANGE. Change never stops. I have to accept that. I am really grateful today. I am grateful that there are a few people in my life who put time in with me, and know when I am lying and faking a smile. I am gratuful that I have people in my life who have my best interest in mind and want to see me do well. I am grateful that I am not judged and hated for not being perfect.I am grateful that I have a loving family(including my adopted brother :)who puts up with more bull shit from me then almost anyone i know) Today is a good day. I feel like I can finally stop forcing myself to stay down and focus on the things I love again. I am working part time (totally not good financially but it is a nice change from the 40-50 hr weeks before then). I get to go to school and I am actually enjoying it and the best part is that there is the most amazing woman that i love so much in BOTH of my classes. I get to stay at my parents house- three months ago I was crying because I never got to see my parents. I would only be able to come to see them once a week or once every two weeks, and it was never for more then an hour or two. Now I get to live with them. I bitch about living at home being as old as I am, oh well, I get to see my sister almost every day, and my dog, and my mommy and daddy. I have gotten to catch up with old friends. I love that even after years of distance and different places in life- we can meet up and its like there was never any time apart.I love that I have friends that have been through the same things as me , the different stages of my life, and they are stronger now then ever, which means I can be too. I am happy that I have friends that are strong and work hard for what they have in life. I am full of gratitude today and that scares the shit out of me.
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Thursday, August 28th, 2008
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ok so i only have like 5 friends on this stupid little journal..and i come on here at least five times a day....my sister and teege update the most....AT LEAST THEY USED TO!!!!!! ....so everyones assignment is to start posting all the time....that way i can read happy things while i isolate in my room.
in other news- hung out with the adopted brother patrick and sisters bff/adopted brothers g/f TEEGE last night. happy birthday rich. i got lost for sure on the drive over. got off on the wrong street...going to teege's house not patricks....was happily and loudly singing along to lagwagon when twenty minutes later my street ended and i had no idea where i was. oops. however once i finally got there...i was instantly happy. don't know what it is about the house...or maybe its the PATEEGEness or their friends who sing funny songs and wear hats... but i have a good time. however I sleep for 3 days after I get back home. HAPPY wears me out. I am old.
I am leaving for AZ tomorrow after work at 2am. wish me luck. my first adult road trip. hope i dont end up in the wrong state. i would cry for SURRRRREEE.
School just started. I am already FUCKED. if you are one minute late for class you cant turn in homework/quizzes.
OK HERE IS THE DEAL. I AM ALWAYS LATE. WHEN I TELL SOMEONE I AM RUNNING LATE AND ILL BE THERE SOON I AM STILL LATE FOR THAT TOO. i set my clocks ten min ahead to try to get me going..doesn't work. I HAVE TO BE SUPER FREEKING EARLY FOR CLASS so i can at least get there right when it starts. ha.
xoxo
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Sunday, August 24th, 2008
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Actually felt semi happy this week twice!! crazy right? I was supposed to go to LA with my sister, patrick , and teege on Thursday, but noone was really up for it, so we had a sleep over at patrick's house, and I was happy. The people and their friends in that house, although kinda weird at times, are really fucking chill, and they are always really nice to me. I feel happy when I am there, and I know they( patrick and teege and my sister, and a few others) all have my best interest in mind at all times. And that makes me feel good. The next morning however, i was not so happy, and I am still trying to catch up on sleep. it's really hard because I need like triple the hours to feel even with my sleepy clock.
The second time I actually felt happy was last night. I had to work 7-2. It was the WORST fucking shift ever. SLOW AND EMPTY all night. I think I made a total of 48$ in tips, and for a saturday night at big shots...that is HORRIBLE. However, the early server left at midnight, and the kitchen closes at 11pm...so with no customers I didn't have much to do other then pretend to clean and fuck around with the other employees. There is a new bouncer, and I think he is quite the interesting character. Plus the bartender Joe and the other bouncer Jose. When I used to work there, I never really got to know any of the people that worked there very well. I usually kept my distance because I didn't want to upset Billy, and whenever I was invited anywhere I made up an excuse and said no. So last night, we all decided during closing that we were hungry. First time, in a long time, that I have randomly gone to Denny's at 4 am. Maya, one of the other servers who was out dancing with Brookies, had brookie drop her off with us instead of taking her home. It was actually really fun, and I left smiling even though I was afraid of my parents, because I had the car out past work hours. i don't know what it is about this kid, the new bouncer, but i wouldn't mind if he talked to me for 10 hours. I find it all very interesting.
Other then that my week has been pretty fucking boring. I went shopping at Target for a bunch of unneeded clothes. I actually had all of the shirts that i bought, i just thought it would be easier to have more so I would have to do less laundry. I wear the same thing EVERY day now..so the more the better.
School starts on Tuesday. I need to buy my books still. Oops. The new schedule has not been posted at work, and somehow we have about 4 too many girls working..so hours are skim. i have been able to pick up a bunch of hours the last two weeks, and I wasn't even on the schedule yet..so I am not really worried..but sort of worried that I wont make the money that I am used to spending. I like spending.
and lastly, this friday will be a big step for me if I actually go thru with it. My super good friend Michelle, we have been best friends since we were 15, recently moved to Arizona after her engagement was broken off. it was a new start for her, and I haven't heard or seen her this happy in a long time. We have been joking around about my visiting her for a long time, but again, I never made plans or counted on going because I didn't want to upset Billy. So..i have reserved a rental car for Friday- Monday on my credit card. wtf. I felt so adult. I have the confirmation number and everything. Here is the tricky part though...I am really really co dependent and needy and I can't stand not being able to just randomly go see anyone i want right now. It sucks..but it's like I want to be able to drive the 6 hours on my own and feel content...but I keep trying to think of who I can bring with me. Really, i don't need to bring anyone. I know how to drive, its an easy drive, and michelle will be waiting on the other end. But for some reason I am feeling really sad about going alone. I think it is one of those things thought that when I start driving, and seeing the sites along the way, and playing my music, I will be happy. i hope.
So that is that. Long freekin post. I guess I talk to alot less people now a days so this works for me as far as feeling like I have vented and gotten things off my chest.
Hopefully I will feel ok soon. The way I have been feeling is just funky. I wonder if I almost bring it on myself. I might enjoy being un happy. its alot easier and there is alot less risk involved.
oh well.
xo
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Saturday, August 23rd, 2008
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Super tired.
been staying at home alot.
school starts in a few days.
working tonight till close. ick.
going to church tomorrow with family for the first time in like forever.
weird.
it will be crazy to see everyone.
going to arizona this weekend on an solo road trip to visit my friend michelle. I would rather have company..but I can't pick who or why..so it's easier to just go alone. I am not comfortable around like 99 % of the people I know right now so it is probably better that way..plus i will have me time:)
unless I flake out at the last minute on myself. I hope I don't. This is a much needed 3 day vacation.
that is all.
not too interesting.
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Wednesday, August 20th, 2008
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You don't know a thing about me
Is there something you should know?
I can tell you what you want to hear
No, you don't know what you will give up
You don't know what you want
It may take you years to find out
You don't know what you need
It's something that may never come to you
FACE TO FACE- DISCONNECTED
best band ever. i play them 58495x a day. my life changed and got weird about 2 weeks ago....a whole year or so of my life seems like a distant memory at this point.i moved back to my parents house for the 14th time. everyone says its for the better. i have yet to believe them...but i have yet to believe that the way i want things would be very good either. i guess holding on for lack of anything else to fall on to is not right or healthy or fair. i won't let my self think long enough to decide how i feel about everything. i know things were not ok..i know i allowed them to be not ok over and over....i know i was not always innocent in the situations...but in my head just like with everything in my life i always think its fixable. To me it was fixable in less then a minute. which is un realistic. if ever again..i know we both have alot of work to do.like i said i hate thinking.and i hate talking. everyone i know calls me to ask how i am doing and i have no idea so i don't answer. thank god for unlimited texting. i am just going thru the motions right now. i switched jobs. I am working back at the bar. I couldn't do the office thing every fucking morning and be happy to answer the phone and try to sell a program to clients. they can hear it in my voice and i was barely investing time in them, I lost a file and found it later after I already had them re fax it and yell at me. I forgot 2 enrollment dates.I talked to my boss told him I just was not dedicated right now and he said i could take a break which is good. at least working at the bar I can pretend I am being social. and at the bar noone cares if your crazy. so i can pull it off if i start crying or getting mad or whatever I feel. It feels good to be back there actually. That place sucks you in as far as the employees and family feeling go. Everyone comes up and hugs me during all my shifts. Plus I can walk across the bar and I get handed 5$ bills randomly. for doing nothing. i like money and i like doing nothing right now- so it works. I start school next week. i am so fucking worried. last semester I barely pulled off a A and a B in my classes because I let my emotions get the best of me. I am hoping that doesn't happen this semester and I hope I can just focus. I have lots of free time. Lots of Love from my family and friends. and barely any responsibility right now as far as bills and payments full time work etc.. so school should be able to get my full attention. So there it is. my first real update in a while. and now I want to erase the whole thing.
oh well I am off to work.
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Friday, August 15th, 2008
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All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try
All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love
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Monday, August 11th, 2008
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So after years of being alone and refusing to compromise for anyone and being un- willing to change for anyone...I gave in....and I made changes and tried really hard to be the person I thought that I should be..
and I have mixed feelings right now...
but I do know this.... I will never ever change who I am and what I believe for anyone ever again. I will never put aside friends to make someone happy...and I will never ever compromise myself and my happiness to make some one else happy again...all the good I thought I was doing...and all the intentions I had...got me no where.
I am back to finding out who I am again.
I kinda like the me I am finding again.
for now.
xo
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Wednesday, August 6th, 2008
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I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared
But no one would listen, 'cause no one else cared
After my dreaming, I woke with this fear
What am I leaving when I'm done here?
So if you're asking me, I want you to know
When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest, don't be afraid
I've taken my beating, I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through
I've never been perfect, but neither have you
So if you're asking me, I want you to know
When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
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Tuesday, August 5th, 2008
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I was so not ready for this.
I have so much to work for and think about now.
and I know I am not alone....but now I am having to think about ME and not US.
and I know I have such good friends that are all supporting me right now.
but I am selfish.
I want what I want.
I don't care if it's healthy or not. I want my US back.
I miss the fuck out of Billy.
HOLD ME BREAK ME FIX ME MOLD ME.
anything is better then this.
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Wednesday, July 30th, 2008
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Face down in the dirt, she said, this doesn't hurt....
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I am horrible.
I have to many wants and it isn't fair to those around me.
I do my own thing at others expenses.
I have too much of a past to walk away from.
I just can't seem to let things go.
There are two sides to me...the side I am in now which I love and believe in.
and then the side I was in before where I can just do what I want and I could be all over the place...and be with everyone and be everywhere at once.
I feel like i am emotionally un availiable to the ones that are there for me the most. Im just lost and distant. I am cold hearted and mean.
I wish I could just relocate and dissapear however I know me, and I know I will still start to contact my past just to keep doors open. I wish I could just settle in and feel peace. And I just don't. It seems as though once I get what I want I just keep looking for more.
unfair.
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| Time: | 12:39 pm. |
| Mood: |  numb. |
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I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...
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Sometimes I wish that I could be anyone other then who I am.
My parents should have named me Failure.
and I should come with a warning lable advising that I cause anger and unhappiness.
I try to be perfect
I try to be pretty
I try to be smart
I try to do good at work and home
I try to be skinny
I try to be loving
I try to be everything to everyone, especially one in particular.
I spin out of control and I fail.
Intentions mean shit- good intentions get me no where.
It is days like today when I remember why I enjoyed the oblivion that drugs brought on.
I wish I didn't care because it hurts.
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i have a very weird life.
some days im happy.
some days im not.
today im pretty much in between.
work is not good.
i want to go back to waitressing.
im only 6 classes away from graduating.
that's crazy for me.
i don't think i have ever really graduated from anything before.
except maybe a drug program.
im still clean.
almost 9 months (on the 15th)
im still with billy.
almost 9 months(on the 16th)
we want to adopt like 15 puppies and keep them at the condo.
last night we left bella home alone for the first time- and we went to play rock band at the bar- and we both paniced and worried for the most part.
we are a bit over protective.
last night on our walk i said "hey babe- i think bella needs a puppy friend!"
and he said "oh yeah?" and i said "yeah babe you know we are going to end up with like 4 more dogs right?" and he said "yeah i know we are going to end up with as many as the condo can hold"
I take that to mean I have permission to bring home more puppies?
yay!!
I want to quit working and stay at home with bella all day and go to school full time. Does anyone want to contribute to the "Get Laurie Out of College in 1 Year or Less" Fund?
thanks.
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another new beginning down the fucking drain.
screaming "never again" as we watch it wash away.
god damn.
disappointment sure does have a way of adding up.
but it's all a matter of perspective so we'd better start looking up.
don't give up...cause someone said these are our glory days.
so let's do our best to beat the misery that comes with being young and fucked up.
time to rise up.
before yesterday's trash becomes tomorrow's hard luck.
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You cannot make someone love you. You can only make yourself someone who can be loved.
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life is way different then it was during my last post.
it's been a hectic year.
HOWEVER
i think it turned out pretty well!
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Tuesday, March 13th, 2007
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im over it.
i feel like im starting to give up.
i dont know who i am anymore.
i wish i could just escape and start over.
i have school work and friends that keep me in one place.
and sometimes i wish they didn't
i feel like i will never grow to my full potential if i just keep sitting in the same spot forever.
i dont want to go to meetings anymore.
i dont want to do program anymore.
i dont want what most of those people have at 10-20 years clean.
i am ready to be called something other then addict.
i am ready to have a mature adult life with responsibility on myself and not on the program.
so what next?
i have no idea.
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wrong_cow_girl's journal